Recently, that is yesterday, I came across this piece of news:
“CBSE student found dead.” The poor soul had apparently hanged himself in a building on the day of his 10th grade Boards exams.
This spurred me into thinking. How fragile each of our lives is. Just one single decision can or break our life. How many of us have actually contemplated suicide? Gone all the way to the breaking point and by sheer willpower (or maybe desperation) clung onto life and came back? How many of us have heard of the ones who didn’t have that and went off the edge?
I have, for one, certainly have seriously thought of suicide at one point in my life. More precisely, it was somewhere during my 10th grade. That’s why I know how must have felt. Not exactly but I have an inkling of what he might have thought about. In my case, it wasn’t so much the sadness of getting bad grades or getting disciplined (beaten up for the Indians here who can relate), but it was the fact that I had failed my parents. For 15 years, I had been taking everything they gave me and giving nothing in return. I was a waste to society as a whole, useless. I was of the opinion that, had my parents poisoned me in my infanthood, they wouldn’t have have had to endure this constant pain that their son was useless. I was driven mad by frustration. Cutting myself was no relief from the mental torture I imposed on myself. That was when I decided to end it all. I researched various ways to suicide. I then realised that most of the suicide methods given in the internet was utter bullshit. I decided to use the easiest way: throwing myself off the building. I actually stepped out onto the balcony.
Had I continued, I would not have been here today to talk to you about this. Some thought formed in my head that I shouldn’t go without giving my friends some warning. That made me step back from the edge. I gave many hints to my friends; “Fuck life”, “I have nothing to live for anymore” etc etc. They tried to dissuade me. Nothing of what they said registered in my head. But one thing did. They were genuinely afraid of my well-being and did not wish to see me lying in a coffin. That’s when I realised that there were people who cared. My parents, though they might have disappointed, still loved me. No matter what I’d done, they’d always be there for me. I thought of my little sister who’d be devastated. The final piece of the puzzle was my own fierce love towards life. Though things were at their bleakest, I’d always looked forward to growing up, partying with friends, driving etc. All these gave me the impetus never to tread near the edge again.
That’s the problem of suicide you see. Maybe it’s the end of you. You might be relieved of everything on your shoulders with just a jump. That’s not the case for everyone around you. They will be devastated when you pass away. The worst thing that can happen to a parent is seeing their child lying cold and dead. That feeling doubles when they feel that they could have prevented it by withholding their rebukes. You will haunt their minds for the rest of the time that they are alive. You’ll always be their biggest ‘what-if’.
As for the people who suicide due to low marks in exams, well, I remember what my dad once told me. “A lion may try very hard to capture his prey. Sometimes he misses it. Does he give up on life and go to the nearest fan and hang himself? No. He redoubles his efforts to catch the elusive prey”. That’s what. Suicide is not the end. Rather you have given up and life has not gotten a chance to show you what might have been had you not gone over the edge.
My favourite motto that gets me through tough times is this: “Everything happens for a reason. You may have a setback. But remember that, somewhere down the road, there’s a comeback waiting for you that will negate the setback you had in such a way that you’ll be happy you stumbled into that setback”.
I’d like to end this with the lyrics of a song. Sorry Vishnu, if I’m treading on your copyrights. Oh well..here it goes. This is from the song ‘Happy Guy’ by the upcoming band ‘Far As Hell’.
“Gotta keep it up, Not everything is lost. Life goes on and you just missed one turn. Never give up hope, cause, the way is still too long. To face your hardships is what you have to learn.”